Emotional Incest and What's Wrong about Being Special

By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC, EMDR-II

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010 | Originally published in the CuttingEdge Winter 2010 Newsletter

Alysa was 32 years old and struggling with commitment when she decided to seek counseling. It was in one of our early sessions that I asked about her family and, in particular, about her parent's marriage.

"My parents had a good marriage–not great, but...you know, good. I know there were times that my dad wasn't happy, but you don't stay together if you're not happy!"

"Really? What makes you so sure?" I asked.

"Look–I saw my parent's marriage. I know that it wasn't perfect. What marriage or relationship is? My mother didn't always appreciate him, but I understood what he was really all about. There were times that he probably wanted to leave. We would talk about it because I'm the one who saw how exasperating his marriage could be. I gave him a perspective on things that no one else did. At times, he was so lonely. But he felt so much better after we spoke. We had that special bond between us. My older brother and younger sister didn't get him, but I did. They were too busy being kids."

Alysa's adulation of her father was cloaked in a seductive fantasy of his love and adoration; this fantasy would be a therapeutic challenge to explore and delicately reframe.

Alysa was already experiencing long-standing consequences of privilege. She just wasn't yet aware. Alysa doubted her many partners' attributes despite verbalizing her love for them. She often stated that she felt suffocated by showered affection, but nonetheless chose to become engaged on two occasions, only to then suddenly break off the engagements.

From working with Alysa and other clients like her, I know that the seduction of being "the special one" is a hard, delusional nut to crack. The challenge lies in breaking through the denial and illusion to show that a parent's love and attention are not destructive to and emotionally demanding of the child.

In an otherwise healthy parent-child relationship, the child is not required to meet the needs of the parent. Nor is there an inappropriate outlet of sexually charged emotion toward a child. It is a long-held belief that, without direct sexual contact, no harm is done.

Overt sexual abuse involves direct sexual contact and exploitation of a dependent person/victim by caregivers or authority figures. A child in these circumstances often feels trapped and used. Depending on the nature of the abuse and who was behind it, a child often feels shame and fear, perhaps having been directly solicited for the interaction, or singled out and "groomed."

By contrast, covert sexual abuse or emotional incest involves the indirect yet sexualized, emotional abuse of a child or dependent. While no physical boundaries have been crossed and no direct sexual contact has been perpetrated, the parent willingly enlists the emotional support of the child in healing his/her own unmet adult needs. In turn, the child becomes the confidant or emotional spouse of a same-sex or opposite-sex parent.

Even within a seemingly functional family without the obvious presence of addictions, this inverted parent-child pattern evolves. In a stressed marriage or a single-parent dynamic, the parent begins to burden the child by emotionally soliciting the child to meet his or her relational needs. In this way, an inappropriate discussion of adult concerns are shared with a child.

As the marriage and/or family dynamic continues to unravel, the dependency upon the child increases. This already-breached psychological boundary between child and parental caregiver, nurturer, and protector is crossed, and the child becomes the defacto caregiver, nurturer, and protector of the parent.

What ensues is the adult's engagement of the child in a role that the child is not capable of fulfilling, yet he or she might feel special or privileged in so trying. In this dynamic, the child is covertly, emotionally abandoned by the parent(s) and robbed of her or his childhood. Therein lays the inherent difference between overt and covert sexual abuse.

The privilege or exclusivity in being overtly, sexually abused carries an instinctive sense of danger, fear, and shame that is not present with covert sexual abuse or emotional incest. In Alysa's case, at the age of 32, she was not aware of or outwardly burdened by being her father's intimate other. This imbued family role of confidant still held self-perceived prestige and power.

Covert sexual abuse is devastating largely due to the indirect and insidious nature of the abuse. Caving to emotional demands that are too burdensome, the abused may experience some or all of the following symptoms:

• Codependent behavior (inappropriate boundaries or no boundaries at all)
• Guilt about practicing self-care, especially when the offending parent is concerned (an unrealistic sense of obligation to that parent)
• Difficulties related to sexual identity or gender
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Love/hate relationship with offending parent
• Difficulty maintaining relationships due to abused individual's idealization/devaluation of others and inappropriate expectations placed on partners
• Compulsivity that can include sex, substances, alcohol, work, food
• Patterns of triangulation (indirect communication) in work, family, or romantic relationships
• Issues related to sex addiction/avoidance or love addiction/ avoidance

Alysa expressed guilt, confusion and anger about honoring her own wants and needs in her current relationship. Her inability to validate her own self in lieu of putting her boyfriend first was disorienting and confusing. Of particular difficulty was her inability to identify what her needs were. This was the result of having learned to disavow her self while being emotionally present for her father during his marital crises.

As do most individuals struggling with unresolved emotional incest, Alysa began with several key issues in her therapy:

• Identifying the family of origin and particular family dynamics involved
• Recognizing any patterns of emotional incest between caregivers and the abused individual
• Learning to set boundaries with that parent; in the case of a deceased caregiver, working with a therapist who can help facilitate empty chair work or another experientially based modality for grief and loss
• Acknowledging any feelings of abandonment as a result of emotional incest
• Working toward individuation and separation by learning to re-parent the self (inner child work)

Working through unresolved abuse, and journeying from wounded child to healthy adult, does not have to occur in isolation if one is already involved in a committed relationship. Nor is it necessarily accomplished in individual therapy sessions. Much support can be gained by working with issues as they arise while in relationship. Furthermore, sharing one's experiences can be mutually healing within the context of a 12 Step group or other healthy support groups.

Seen through the lens of Alysa's journey, an abused individual can achieve emancipation and self-empowerment with patience, perseverance, and self-awareness. This emancipation must be sought by the abused individual before his or her emotional and sexual liberation can be realized. ∞